Archive for January, 2012

How To Shower Like A Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband looking, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah Scrunchie and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband looking once again, cover up any exposed areas.

 How To Shower Like a Man

Refill Fresh water tank and then wait 4hrs until truma heats the water again Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of enclosure or door not closed properly the whole time.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on..
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.

A pastor parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block ten times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my sermon appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this notice: “I’ve circled this block for ten years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of size 14 -16 men’s work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads …..

Bubba, Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls.
They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ‘em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. Cooter.