Archive for the ‘Funny Emails’ Category

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”

“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”

“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”

Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”

“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.”

“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH

Two  boys were walking home from Sunday school
after  hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One  said to the other, ‘What do you think about
all  this Satan stuff?’
The  other boy replied, ‘Well, you know how
Santa  Claus turned out.
It’s  probably just your Dad.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attending  a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered  to her mother,
‘Why  is the bride dressed in white?”
The  mother replied, ‘Because white is the color
of  happiness,
and  today is the happiest day of her life.’
The  child thought about this for a moment then said,
‘So  why is the groom wearing black?’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A  little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running
as  fast as she could,
trying  not to be late for Bible class.
As  she ran she prayed,
‘Dear  Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord,
please  don’t let me be late!’
While  she was running and praying, she tripped
on  a curb and fell,
getting  her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She  got up, brushed herself off, and started running
again!
As  she ran she once again began to pray,
‘Dear  Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please
don’t  shove me either!’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three  boys are in the school yard bragging about
their  fathers.
The  first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words
on  a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,
they  give him $50.’
The  second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad
scribbles  a few words on piece of paper,
he  calls it a song, they give him $100.’
The  third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles  a few words on a piece of paper,
he  calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to
collect  all the money!’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

An  elderly woman died last month.
Having  never married, she requested no male
pallbearers.
In  her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service,  she wrote,
‘They  wouldn’t take me out while I was alive,
I  don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A  police recruit was asked during the exam,
‘What  would you do if you had to arrest your own
mother?’
He  answered, ‘Call for backup.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A  Sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph  and Mary took Jesus with them toJerusalem  ..
A  small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a  baby-sitter.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A  Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five  and six year olds.
After  explaining the commandment to ‘Honour thy
father  and thy mother,’ she asked,
‘Is  there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat  our brothers and sisters?’
Without  missing a beat, one little boy answered,
‘Thou  shall not kill..’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

At  Sunday School they were teaching how God
created  everything, including human beings.
Little  Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told  him
how  Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later  in the week his mother noticed him lying
down  as though he were ill,
and  she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’ Little
Johnny  responded,
‘I  have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have
a  wife.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

You  don’t stop laughing because you grow old..
You  grow old because you stop laughing!
Take  heed and pass these along to people who
need  a laugh.
I  thought you would enjoy this….times are tough
right  now…for all of us…
so  we need something to make the day a happy
place.
“They”  haven’t found a way to tax you for
laughing  yet.

Truth and No Underwear

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying “congrats”.
But, none of them come and touch the man’s penis and say “Good job”.
Moral of the story:
“Hard work is never appreciated”

No Underwear – Makes Sense to Me
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
‘Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!’ he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
‘Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?’ he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
‘Well….last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.’

                             The Night Light
An 80 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results. The doctor says, ” George , everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
George replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes  off.
Wow , that’s incredible, the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George ‘s wife. ” Ethel ,” he
says, ” George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night,
and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof! the light goes off?”

“Oh, sweet Jesus !’ exclaimed his wife.  “He’s peeing in therefrigerator again!”

At a nursing home, there are two very old men who sit on the porch all day and reminisce together about the old days.

They don’t realize it, but they have attracted the attention of two elderly women who walk by them. But the ladies go unnoticed due partially to the mens’ conversation and bad sight.

The women decide to really get the mens’ attention and walk by them naked the next day.

One man turns to the other and says:
“Did you see that?”
The other replies,” Sure did.”
“What was it?”
“I don’t know, but it sure could have used some ironing.”